I assume you’re already asking yourself how the hell we ended up here. Well, answer one is alcohol. Answer two is this is the last day of Pride, so if I was going to write this at any point it was now or never, but, if we dig a little deeper, I think I can probably attribute it to a Magic video: Lily Library’s ASMR video on “Every girl in war of the spark ranked by how much I want them to top me,” which I got linked to via Spice8Rack‘s channel. If you’re not sure what “topping” is in the context of lesbians, good luck with that Google search; I wouldn’t do it at work. Actually, this whole piece is probably not safe for work. I’ve been thinking of writing this one for a few weeks because the concept is really amusing to me. I’m going to assume it’s not as funny to the mostly straight men who make up the overwhelming majority of the Flesh and Blood player base, which sort of kept me from writing it. But then I remembered that this is my blog and I’m not monetized, so I’m not actually beholden to anyone. Then, drunk with power and, well, Green Chartreuse, I said “fuck it; let’s do it!” Besides, someone needs to provide a lesbian counterpoint to all the male-centric “waifu” discourse (wait— do they? The booze says “yes”).
The Rules
Eligible characters include any woman or femme-presenting character in the FAB lore (are there non-binary people in Rathe?) who is represented on a card –So Astra Morena (who I assume is the character on Valiant Thrust) would be fair game, but Vesta Ironsong (Dorinthea’s mom) would not, even though she’s the more fleshed out of the two (via the lore book). Speaking of the lore book, I’ll consider supplemental lore/stories in-so-far as I am aware of them, but I’m not going over the LSS site with a fine-tooth comb to find every scrap of lore; TBH, I’m probably just going to search the character’s name on the LSS site and see if anything turns up. I’m only including characters that we have a name for that is easily found or inferred. I’m also passing on ambiguous cases –Illuminate has a woman on the card but quotes Merlen Rivera (Update 9/16/21: subsequent research has indicated this might be a unisex name) , which sounds like a male name. These aren’t in any ranked order; I’m just moving through the card gallery in set-release order and pausing for cards that meet the criteria.
Valda Brightaxe
So, she’s clearly into crushing things, and while we do live in the age of Lady Dimitrescu “step on me, Mommy” memes, she’s not really putting out dom energy so much as just violent unhinged person energy. Rathe is a scary place overall, and there are often times that call for violence, but she’s at a bar in Aria in these cards, and I feel like collapsing someone’s skull because they got out of hand is maybe overdoing it. Hell, the guy on Cartilage Crush looks like he was just minding his own business until she decided to destroy his solar plexus. Strong pass.
Dorinthea
Dorinthea is honestly kind of boring. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have many lines despite having one of the more fleshed out backstories, but she just comes off as kind of bland and generic. I suppose the whole destined for greatness swordswoman thing could be a draw (like 1/3 of r/armoredwomen are self-reported queer women; women with swords and armor is definitely a thing). She also seems to be really focused on her career to the point where it becomes single-minded, so you’re unlikely to ever be her top priority. Which is great if you’re destined for some sort of big sword-fighty fate where you need to train endlessly for a big plot moment down the road, but it makes for poor girlfriend material. I think we pass here. She’d probably be fine as friend you see every once and awhile though.
Dash
Dash has strong chaos energy; she makes what I assume are intentionally bad jokes; going by the stories on her character page, she swears a lot; and she’s got a whole Champagne socialist vibe going on; she’s also got a pretty queer haircut. In short I find her both likeable and relatable. Dash also looks out for her friends, which is an admirable trait. She is obviously very steampunk, which would decidedly be a mark against her under normal circumstances, but she does live in an actual steampunk city, so I can forgive her for the bad aesthetic. There are some potential downsides we have to consider though: she seems like she’s always out doing something (pretending to be a merchant, breaking and entering, blowing up portions of the city) and probably wouldn’t have as much time to hang out with you as you’d like. I imagine she’s always thinking of like a dozen different things and it would be a challenge to get her to just put them aside and be present in your relatively limited time together. So, I’m not sure if she’s really girlfriend material so much as your interesting friend who you hook up with while drunk once, but she’s cool about it the next day, and it’s somehow not weird. And maybe, after that, you sort of quietly pine for her, and if she’d just settle down slightly, like just a little bit less mass destruction and flagrant breaking of the law, maybe, just maybe it could work, and *sigh*. ::stares out window longingly::
Azalea
Alright, if Killing Eve has taught us anything it’s that wlw (off to Google for the straights) love lady assassins. Azalea definitely has a stony exterior and comes off as cold and detached, but A.) most of the people she deals with on a day-to-day basis are garbage humans who deserve it, and B.) look at that smirk. Azalea seems like a high-risk high-reward girlfriend, she’s clearly got a lot of shit going on in her life, but if she did like you, I get the impression that she would treat you really well. She’s working her way out of bad circumstances that aren’t her fault, and that tough exterior is probably for her own protection. I bet deep down there’s a sweet, though still sarcastic, woman who would be A+ girlfriend material. That or my read is wrong and it’s ice queen killer the whole way down. So, I guess dating Azalea could be a really rewarding experience with a lot of growth for both of your or a spectacular disaster that would leave you picking up the fragile pieces of your heart for the next several years, who could pass that up? Roll the dice, date her!
Ateia
“Choke me, mommy” is definitely a meme mood. Again, we live in the age of Dimitrescu, but I think the “destroy me” attitude of meme really emerges as a safe fantasy happening at a degree of remove. Like, you can lust after the giant vampire woman because she’s in a video game. Ateia actually seems like she’s going to pull your soul out along with a not insubstantial amount of your blood. Even if you’re looking for a dom, while she has the look down, and the right energy, she also doesn’t look like someone who respects safe words, and that seems fatal here. So, you should pass for your personal well-being, maybe just go re-watch The Duke of Burgundy instead.
Ira
I feel like I should add a quick note on young heroes since “young” is nebulous and could potentially put a character in “creepy to talk about dating them” territory. The only young hero who actually seems to be a child is Benji, Ira’s story frames her explicitly as 21, and Kassai and Shiyana are also presented as young adults. Data Doll is an artificial intelligence, so not a human, and gets to play by AI rules. Anyway, back to Ira. The initial appeal of ninja girlfriend is strong, like that’s a cool thing to be able to say when you’re talking to your friends, “Oh, your girlfriend is a yoga instructor, that’s cool; I’m dating a ninja.” HOWEVER, the fact that her own brother left the Crimson Haze because he was worried about her single-minded commitment to vengeance is a big red flag -like, an absolutely massive sign that this is probably a bad idea. You are never going to be a priority for her, and she seems like she can turn on her loved ones in an instant if they disagree with her. You don’t need that in your life. Avoid.
Kassai
OK, I know I just said it was prudent not to get tied up with girls leading paramilitary groups looking to avenge their parents, but hear me out. Kassai’s aesthetic is very gay. Like, bunch of leather, prominent tattoo, tomboy vibes, come on, how are we not supposed to be intrigued by that? Also, unlike Ira, Kassai’s family is still alive and could be saved, so her quest for revenge is a little more reasonable and seems like it could have a conclusion where she can move onto a more happy life, unlike Ira. Again, you’re unlikely to be her top priority while she’s on her quest, but there’s long term potential there. Now, you’re going to need to be game to join her on what I assume is a perilous set of adventures, but think how close you’ll be by the time you get to the end of the journey? Also I bet she’s one of those girls with a tough public exterior but is privately an adorable ball of anxiety who needs your support. Like she’d give a rousing speech to her troops and then quietly express doubts to you, her GF, in private –it’s a total Korra mood and I’m here for it.
Hala Goldenhelm
Hala (central masked figure) features prominently into Dorinthea’s backstory, and much like Dorinthea she is kind of a boring one dimensional character without a lot of hints of a more interesting personal life. She’s a no-nonsense Templar who seems primarily interested in Sol and doing Templar things. The whole mask thing would be a cool mysterious element if it weren’t just part of the uniform for a whole chunk of the Solana military. Boring, pass.
Shiyana
Solana characters tend to be strongly divided into two camps: those with personalities and very bland generic “good guys.” Shiyana lands herself in the former with her split role of enchanting diplomat by day and cunning spy by night. We Stan an appealing lady of mystery. And honestly, it’s kind of nice to see someone from Solana who is a little more on the morally grey end of things instead of the boring pious devotion and noble warrior stuff (spoiler, we’ll revisit that later). Shapeshifters are also sort of inherently queer from ancient figures like the Norse Loki to more contemporary characters like Marvel’s Mystique (and, I guess, also Marvel’s iteration of Loki). In any case, Shiyana has potential, but you’d really have to have a rock solid basis of trust in a relationship because if she wanted to get up to stuff behind your back, there’s pretty much no way you’d ever find out. This is sort of a toss up situation. She’s also probably the type of girlfriend who is going to borrow your clothes semi-regularly and they’re all going to look better on her than they do on you. So just, you know, be ready for that.
Data Doll MKII
Data Doll probably occupies that weird AI space of newborn mind where her intellect is beyond most humans but she is also emotionally immature and naïve. Unless we get some more lore that fleshes her out a bit more and indicates she’s got a bit more emotional intelligence than her “About” page suggests, a relationship with her is probably a pretty bad idea. You really don’t want to be in a position where you might want to breakup with a hyper-intelligent automaton who is just coming to grips with the concept of love but may not have yet developed a sufficiently advanced morality to understand that snapping your ex in half because she broke your heart is unacceptable.
Linnea, Mistress of Malady
This is the girl who is probably going to wreck your life, and you know that going in, but you’re going to try to date her anyway. She’s sassy, powerful, presumably makes you call her “Mistress,” and that haircut? *Chef’s kiss*. Come on. Let’s be real, 10:1 this ends in disaster, but you keep looking at that 1 and squinting and maybe, just maybe you can make it work.
Prism
Speaking of girls with queer haircuts, we’ve got Prism. And like, this one seems unfair for me personally. She’s a fellow book nerd with a thing for winged women. She’s a bit scattered and excitable as we can see from her running through the Great Library of Solana (left side center). Prism seems like she’d be kind of awkward but like in a cute way where she starts out kind of stiff then opens up once you get her talking about her favorite books. There are very strong long term prospect of a super charming cottagecore life together where you just move in together and have a nice pleasant life full of books, and tea, and a little garden, maybe a cat? I don’t even have any real mitigating factors here, this is a no-brainer; you date Prism.
Aurea, Champion of the Dawn
This is one of the many women Monarch gave us the barest bit of info on. So we’re going to have to be very first-glace judgy on her and similar ladies we know little about. Aurea seems a little too “oorah” soldierly for my taste. I’m getter taciturn no-nonsense warrior type here, and that’s not very exciting, especially when we’ve got so many other strong women with personality. Pass.
Astra Morena
So, this is a me issue, but we’ve got the same haircut and color, which is like a dating no-no. You don’t want to be that couple. I would hang out with her and get drinks at the Golden Chariot though. I assume that’s where the queer ladies hang out in Solana, because, well, we’ll get to Minerva soon enough. You could totally have a non-committal trial date with her though, assuming you don’t share my hair hang-ups.
Chiara Suncrest
We’re in another low info sitch, but she has a couple things going for her that make her more appealing than Aurea. She’s got a cooler aesthetic for starters, which is a plus. She also seems a little brasher and less stoic, which is the preferable attitude. So like, not the top of the list but not the bottom. I don’t know if I’d ask her out, but if I got set up on a blind date with her, I’d be open to seeing where it went. That said, for the rest of you, if the last three ladies were at the bar, I think you probably approach Astra.
Chancellor Helena Primavera
Skimming the lore book and the region entry on LSS’s site, I can’t find a clear explanation of what the chancellor’s do in Solana. But she seems like a religious figure –and I mean more so than like every other person in Solana. I know this is rich coming from me, but her whole inspiring quote is too grandiloquent. Not into it. Pass
Amira Surana
We’ve got another sarcastic girl, and I’m totally here for her sense of style. I think it’s the same woman on these two cards. In any case, we’re going to work under that assumption. I get the impression that she’s confident but also has a mischievous flare, so like, cocky but not in an off-putting way. Also, do all illusionists have white hair? I mean, I love it, and I’m down with it if that’s how it works, just curious. But yeah, she seems very cool, like you’d show up to a night out with your friends and they’d all be super impressed with her and probably also jealous. Would date.
Levia
Pre-tentacle horror Levia has girlfriend potential and strong witchy vibes, which is a good aesthetic, but even then she was a little too hardcore. I’m into a low-key witch. But I’m looking more for tarot cards and crystals -maybe she wants to do your star chart. Meanwhile Levia is already onto dead birds and burnt offerings. Post-Lovecraftian awakening though, I think she’d just eat you, and not in a euphemistic way. Like she would literally suck the marrow from your broken bones. That’s a big nope.
Ersebet
This is kind of in the same vein as the Levia issue. Again, we Stan witchy women, but she’s way, way too into it. Don’t date a girl who’s in a cult.
The Woman on Exude Confidence
I’m breaking my rule on characters we don’t have a name for because YES.
Kirigami
I feel like the fact that her face is partially obscured is a little ominous, as is the screen behind her with a bunch of dead heroes. That said she does seem like someone who is probably really into astrology and tarot, which was my target level of witchy. But her hands also seem inhumanly long, and, given that they’re as white as her face, either she’s doing serious full body makeup or she’s actually some sort of non-human entity (or maybe Rathe has people with actual pure white skin, who knows). Anyway, she strikes me as someone who might be bad news, but she’s also mysterious and compelling, so I guess I’d say go on a first date in a public place and be prepared to come up with an excuse to leave if it gets too weird.
Vidya Willowmere
Anyone who talks about their “gifts” is probably a little too full of themselves. Like, she’s cute, but do you really want to date someone who tells you how great she is? I feel like you’d try to tell her about your day and she’d kind of nod briefly before going on about how hers was much more intense, and then she’d monologue for ten minutes about “the beyond” in overly technical language that you don’t have the expertise to understand. Pass.
Sanni
Alright, she drops slightly modified Princess Mononoke quotes, so I guess she’s kind of a weeb. But she’s got a good look. Also redhead, so bonus points. I can’t tell if she’d kind of protect you in a way that’s a turn on or if she’d just be annoyed with you for not being more competent. And, I can’t speak for everyone, but if this is going to be a thing, I think it’ll have to be a long distance relationship because I am not relocating to what I assume is the Savage Lands.
Lady Barthimont
OK, ok, hear me out here. I know this is a bad idea, but she has a very compelling style, and I feel like you’d have a really awesome life of decadent excess and hedonism until it all came crashing down. The approach here is to date her when she’s just starting up her witchy phase before she gets to the human sacrifice part. You could have a good run of opulent indulgence with a wealthy woman in a loveless marriage and then get the hell out once it starts getting weird. Then, when you read about her tragic end a few years later, you have a really crazy story to tell at parties about how your ex went mad with power before being eaten by her servant who made a pact with dark powers from beyond this world. I mean, we’ve all been there before, right? But, yeah, probably not a good idea, but I can respect how you’d make that mistake.
Minerva Themis
YES.
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Oh? Was I supposed to clarify that? I have no idea what her canonical status is, but Minerva is pretty much the gayest lady in FAB whether she was intended that way or not. Her slouchy posture, the thumb through the belt, totally queer body language. You can tell she has no patience for bullshit, which I respect. She just exudes big top energy. Also, her story is very “wise older lesbian.” Like, if something is broken at your place, she’d be over immediately (with beer). And she would sort it all out while telling you some hilarious and tangentially related story because, whatever the problem was, she has some relevant skill from a stint she spent doing some pertinent job five years ago. Minerva’s also built a successful business up, so you know she’s willing to put in time to make things work, if they’re worthwhile. The hell with dating her, you should probably just propose now.
*Header Image – Exude Confidence by Phu Thieu
FAB with Freyja 